On The Wing Of My Fancy |
Friday, March 02, 2001
Today in English class I came across a poem in the poetry book that amused me:
Earth "A planet doesn't explode of itself," said drily I pointed it out to Jackie, and she thought it was funny too. We mentioned it to Ms. Burton, and she suggested that I read it aloud for the class. After I was done reading, everyone stared at me blankly. They didn't get it. I guess we're just easily amused... Jackie and I also got to revel in our triumph of actually analyzing "My Last Duchess", or at least part of it, correctly. I thought for sure Ms. Burton was going to shoot down the idea that the Duke had the Duchess killed, but she didn't! A rare occasion. She shoots down ideas so often that unless it's a really easy poem people don't really want to offer ideas anymore. Makes class a lot more boring when people are afraid to discuss things. Anyway, that was my entertainment for the day. :-)
I've felt amazingly connected to everything lately. Or something. It's hard to explain-- but the Rhythm of the world has started to settle in again. Yesterday after school, just hanging around with friends (after the annoying NHS meeting, of course), and at Instrument Tech, and for most of today as well, it just seemed like everything was as it should be. That's not to say that there haven't been bad moments (like today at lunch trying to do that chem homework that I'd accidentally thrown out...), but for the most part I seem to be moving in unison with everything and everyone else. It feels like the last piece has finally fallen into place.
Uh, that was probably rather cryptic if you don't understand my philosophy on life. I was trying to write something about it-- perhaps one of these days I'll post it. Well, I have to finish packing for this weekend. If I can keep the Rhythm with me it should be a wonderful weekend indeed. I listen to the wind, to the wind of my soul Thursday, March 01, 2001
Eeep. Sometimes conflict can be very emotionally draining. Well, I guess it always is, but when you feel like you're in the middle, it's...eeep. I'm exhausted. Time to turn up the music and try to relax...
Tell me, why do the babies starve when there's enough food to feed the world?
Now my friends are starting to notice the smells all around them too. I've started a trend... :-)
NHS has been bugging me lately. It's not particularly important to me as an activity (though it sure does look good on applications and things) and I think part of the reason is that if I'm putting my time into it I want it to actually be an society of honorable people. And it's not. Pretty much anyone with the GPA for it gets in. And that's probably a good thing, but when there are issues with drinking at dances and such, people should get kicked out. We are supposed to be setting standards for the rest of the school. And a lot of service hours are being taken on the honor system, I think. Which should theoretically be okay in a society of honorable people, but I know full well that a lot of people are going to lie about their hours and get credit for them, while I actually go out and make time in my schedule to do community service. Damn. I hate people. Don't take that rant to mean that I've had a bad day, because I haven't. I spent much of it squirrelling good food away in my locker. I went to the Perfect Attendance Breakfast this morning and they had some yummy banana bread and those Cinni-Minis things from BK. Lots of sugar, yay. After eating two pieces of banana bread and a box of Cinni-Minis at the breakfast, I managed to walk out of the cafeteria with another box of Cinni-Minis and a whole loaf of the bread. Stowed it all in my locker and had the Cinni-Minis with lunch, and the bread after school (with friends, yes, I didn't eat the whole thing by myself). I'm usually very deprived of unhealthy food because both my parents are on some variety of diet and every bit of food in my house is low-fat. And people wonder why I'm so skinny... Anyway, I was well fed today. :-) Now I'd better have dinner and go to tech class (playing mellophone, goody). Wednesday, February 28, 2001
I just realized that I now have no chorus and no voice lessons for two weeks. Two weeks! *whimper* I'm going to miss that so much. Stupid spring break...grrrr. Singing means more than ever to me now that I'm actually passably good at it. Lately I've been having large internal battles between the part of me that wants to sing constantly and the part of me that is terrified of sucking. Well, I've always had those battles, I guess. But the news is that the side of me that wants to sing is winning more often now. :-)
Anyway, I had another flashback today. Well, not exactly flashback, but I'm calling it that for lack of a better name. Like smelling the beach while sitting at the computer yesterday. Today it was during math class, and I was reminded for some reason of my sister's dance recital, which happens in mid-June every year. It wasn't the smell of the air so much as its texture. I never really thought much about air having texture, but its humidity, temperature, and movement can make air from different times and places very distinct. And that was what somehow reminded me of dance recitals in the middle of calc. I'm starting to think that if I pay attention enough I'll probably run into this sort of thing all the time. It's kind of fun, trying to figure out where each smell or texture came from. If distracting... I intend to get some sleep tonight, so I think I'll prepare to do that now. (I would type some lyrics, but the only thing going around in my head right now is Birdland. So, go get a recording and listen to it.) Tuesday, February 27, 2001
sitting here at my computer, i just smelled the beach on Cape Cod for no particular reason. memories of summer...
My day has become better since the last rant. In fact, I feel warm and fuzzy. For numerous reasons. Today I found that I have been linked, emailed, and blogvoiced. I have received tidings that I will have a great weekend with band leadership in NH. And I have been invigorated by the reappearance of Marvin, who apparently didn't die after So Long And Thanks For All The Fish after all. Yeah, if you haven't read the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series, I would recommend that you do so. Immediately. :-)
I'm human and I need to be loved
Why do people refuse to see me as I want them to see me? Even my best friends still see me as nothing but a geek. Granted I am a geek, and I have no problem with that. It's just that I am a lot of other things too. And it seems that no one recognizes that.
I mean, you'd think, after all these years, that I might actually deserve that label of band geek. Band and music-related stuff have been my most important activities during high school. I've grown a lot as a musician, and I've become aware of how much music is a part of me. Why am I the only one who recognizes that? I work with a passion in band and all the other music stuff I do, but I still get pushed aside. Why is it that everyone in this school thinks I'm good at nothing but schoolwork? It's a sore spot, and I didn't realize how much it mattered to me until, for class superlatives, my best friend put me down for Most Likely to Succeed and not Class Musician. Let me make very clear, there's no way I would get either of these titles. And I don't care, they're unimportant to me. The thing that bothers me is that my best friend, also knowing that I wouldn't get either title, didn't realize that a vote for Class Musician would have meant more to me. It probably sounds petty, but it's a sign of a larger frustration within me that I'm only beginning to identify. I start to worry that perhaps I've been distancing myself and my thoughts and dreams from everyone without realizing it. Or perhaps I'm just not cut out to be anything other than school-smart, and I ought to just accept it. But I don't want that to be the case. I know that school smarts won't carry me through my whole life. At least not my life the way I want to live it. School is something I do well because whenever I do something, I want to do it well. It's what I do, not who I am. Music is part of who I am. Grrr. All I think about is waiting Monday, February 26, 2001
Pondering...
At what age do you begin to have control over your destiny? It's clear that as an infant you're a victim of circumstances and have no control over what becomes of you. It's also clear that as an adult you should be able to shape your life into what you want it to be, or at least to work towards what you want. But where does the change occur? When can you say that you have the ability and the foresight to take charge of where you're going, and steer yourself in the right direction? At what point do you stop being trapped where someone else has placed you? Rhetorical questions aside, it's obvious that for a certain period of their lives, children are victim to their parents' shortcomings. They have to survive on what they are or are not given until they reach some hypothetical age when they can take charge and, if they choose, dig themselves out of whatever hole their parents have dug them into. But they have to survive that long first. The parents can, if they choose, shape their lives and the child's. If they choose not to take charge of their lives and let themselves remain trapped, the child must remain trapped as well until it is old enough to choose its own destiny. But children learn their behavior from the adults in their lives. How is a child to learn to take charge of its life if its parents have never done so? It's the beginning of a vicious cycle... Don't even ask what brought that on. And yes, I know that most of that is fairly obvious stuff. But when you start pondering... (This was written on Sunday, but Blogger's been down and stuff.) |
