On The Wing Of My Fancy |
Saturday, April 14, 2001
feeling a bit better today. when i focus on my writing and my music, i regain my focus, at least for a while. things work out in the end. i just hafta keep myself afloat until then.
the windows were opened for a while today, and spring entered the house. the windows are closed now, but the basement still smells alive somehow. this smell reminds me of something, and i'm not sure what. this is going to bother me... i keep having some sort of yearning for something, and i don't know what it is. it comes from something i can't quite identify: perhaps the music i've been listening to, or perhaps the smells in the air. i don't know. but the air's scent fills my nostrils, and the music echoes in my ears long after i've turned off the stereo. i feel like i'm searching for something. and i feel like dancing, but i don't know why. maybe i'm back in the Rhythm of things again. i was lazy today, so there's not much to say as far as events are concerned. i've been thinking a lot, but my thoughts would probably be better expressed through poetry. which i will write just as soon as i've read everyone else's blogs. and perhaps tomorrow you'll get something interesting from me. till then... Tomorrow we'll discover Friday, April 13, 2001
i am vacationing, indeed. i went to breakfast and the Salvation Army with Kate, downloaded Napster, worked on the redesign, got the Les Miz 10th Anniversary cd, and entered a poetry contest. i like today. =)
on the other hand, i'm still lost and confused. i don't know who i am anymore. i've been in a limbo of identity for a while, and i feel like i've departed from one thing but haven't yet arrived at another. in the meanwhile i'm just floating here. do i think too much or not enough? do i care too much or not enough? where am i going? what are my goals? there are some things that i need to get away from, others that i never want to leave. i want to accept responsibility, yet i also want to avoid it. i want to be obedient, yet i want to rebel. i love who i am, yet i hate myself. i'm just a mass of contradictions at the moment. i hope that it's only for the moment. just when i start to feel some stability, the ground dances out from under me again. is this a phase that will keep coming up throughout my life? will i always be losing my balance, losing my way? am i just completely unable to steer myself through the world? who am i? am i the person i show to my parents? to my friends? to the blog community? or do i create for all these people the persona that i want them to see? do i wear a mask for them? do i wear a mask for myself? do i subconsciously blind myself to what i really am? if i try to change myself am i really changing, or am i just constructing a more elaborate mask? i've become rather dizzy, and i don't know where i'm going with this. why can't things just make sense? i don't want to go down this road again... He played Fire on the Mountain, run boys run Thursday, April 12, 2001
now this is neat, especially for morbid people like me. casket furniture. most people use their expensive casket only once, and that's after they're dead. but with casket furniture, you can appreciate your casket for years as a couch, end table, or bookshelf, and then put it to its final use once you die. sounds good to me, though that is a bit of an eerie shape for a coffee table...
via squarebook.
i am in a relatively calm mood, oddly enough. the past week has been weird, as i've been going from deleriously happy to tearfully depressed to a frustration that can boil into rage. this is not a good thing. however, i've managed to avoid breaking anything thus far. *sigh* and now i'm just exhausted from my emotional spazzing.
on the whole, good things have been happening lately. april vacation just started, i got my license yesterday (whee!), i can play and sing again (my voice teacher says the surgery has improved my voice), i got an 89 on my term paper, and there's something like 3 or 4 weeks left in the school year. not bad. but, on the other hand, i've had a very low tolerance for human beings in general, even, at times, my friends. for that reason i've been overly pissy and confrontational lately. confronted paul last night (he was being a hypocrite by being pissed at us for not informing him when we can't make a rehearsal, but he couldn't inform us that it was getting out early that night. i did have to come up with a ride, after all.) confronted stupid people in spanish today (they thought that if someone is an alcoholic it's his fault because he *chose* to become one. now, i've known a few alcoholics, and believe me, it's not like they set out to ruin their life by having a drink one day. it's a disease, and you can't know if you have it until you take a drink. people are stupid.) and i had an nhs meeting today. and we all know how irritating that can be... so. i should have dinner, probably. there's other stuff i would like to rant about, but i'll save it for another day. Everything you know is wrong Tuesday, April 10, 2001
well, kat managed to get everything under control and communicate with everyone much more efficiently than i could. which is a good thing, because i was having trouble focusing. i have been so wicked moody today that it has been difficult to get things to make sense from one minute to the next. emotion on overdrive, logic at zero. blah.
but it is nice to know that i'm loved even when i feel weak and incompetent. =) I had a dream my life would be
dammit dammit dammit.
i hate it when things go to hell and it's my fault. but i had to choose between two friends you see, as one was developing a profound hatred for the other due to a bad breakup, and the one i chose just started picking on the other one more and more, and i turned a blind eye to it, figuring i should be loyal to one side or another. problem being, they are/were both members of a club, a club that i am co-leader of, and as a leader i shouldn't have been turning a blind eye to it at all, i should have done something to at least make sure that they were civil to each other. i finally said something today, but it was too late, he'd already decided to quit. he might reconsider. she promised to behave better. kate said, "does it seem to you that something in the group just died?" it does. that's it exactly. a horse that spooked wildly from the direction i was guiding it, and i failed to pull the reins until the trail was completely lost. and i could have nipped this in the bud. i could have. but i'm just a pride-and-prejudice elizabeth seeing only the side of the story that she chooses to see. another disillusionment, only this time it was brought on by my own actions, or lack thereof. i could cry. You say I only hear what I want to Monday, April 09, 2001
it is actually warm out! it must be in the 60s or something. beautiful. and a beautiful day for horseback riding, which is what I'm going to do right after this.
during chemistry today i needed to get out. i just wasn't dealing with people very well. or dealing with myself very well. i don't know. it's complicated. so anyway, the teacher wasn't there, just some incompetent proctor who drives me nuts, so i just walked out and went to the band room, which was empty except for jackie who was playing her flute in one of the practice rooms. i opened the door that looks out on the football field and just sat on the steps and relaxed. and breathed. i could smell nothing but grass and warmth. so i pulled out my notebook, and wrote a poem that i've been meaning to write, and sat and thought about why things weren't making sense. conclusion: i have to stop hating myself, i have to stop holding grudges forever, and i have to stop caring about the surface. anyway, the sun was so bright and warm that i could hardly stand to go back into the school for spanish. the fluorescents seemed so cold and dim after that. in other news, i got to play clari today, and sing, for the first time in a week or two. that made my day. and, driving to chorus, i passed my driver ed teacher, and then did a picture-perfect parallel park. she was duly impressed. good. that was probably the last time i'll see the driver's seat before the test. eeeep... i opened some windows when i got home from school, and now the entire house smells fresh. like grass growing. No regrets or promises |
