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Friday, May 18, 2001
ever tried running a photoscanner when you're really low on hard drive space? yeah. it's fun.
anyway, here's the story: i am off to new hampshire. or rather, i am off to a birthday party, then to new hampshire. my job is to keep kate company in the little town of bridgewater, nh, which is possibly even more boring than bridgewater, ma. after all, bridgewater ma isn't all that bad for the most part. it's just the living here your whole life thing that can grate on you. so, as it is dubious that i will have access to a computer during my journeys, i will bid you goodbye until sunday night. oh, and one more thing: is blogvoices compatible with other weblogs, such as greymatter and pitas? and what other blog comment systems are out there? melinda is in need of a comment system, so i am attempting to gather information for her. Wanna put my tender Thursday, May 17, 2001
well. that was hardly what one can call a break. two days. sheesh.
but basically, as soon as i made my resolution not to blog until things were under control again, i went out and faced what i needed to face. so, things are working out a lot better now, and though i'm still left with a lot of questions about myself, i have recovered my sanity to the extent that i can actually think about things other than these issues. and being able to think straight is a wonderful thing. Oh, I'm on my way, I know I am... in other news, i have been wandering barefoot around the school for the past two hours, and no one has noticed except for the people who saw me holding my shoes in my hand. well, not literally barefoot. that would be quite unhealthy indeed in this hellhole. i do have socks on. the shoes i was wearing are pretty neat, except that they are not broken in. i have attepted to break them in, but as a general rule they tend to break me instead. so, for the sake of my ankles, i have decided that running them over with a car would be more efficient than wearing them around until my feet fall off. and that is what i shall do the next time i get ahold of a car. and, "Fun Wearing Underwear" has started a cult. i love the song. i introduced kate to it, and now she loves it as well. (we have a tendency to sing it during chemistry. nothing we do seems to faze this teacher anymore.) and this morning i made kat listen to it, and she loves it too. she's going to put the lyrics in her profile. my sister doesn't like it at all, but it gets stuck in her head when she's folding laundry. MWAHAHAHAHA!!! we're infiltrating. now we just need to get Leanne and Ian into the cult as well. they're still nonbelievers, but then, they haven't heard the song yet. heh heh heh... well, that's my life as of now. good ol' Amanda is back, if a bit more pensive and insecure. i'll get over it. someday. and, blessings go out to Mollie. I think Jesus was a nice guy Tuesday, May 15, 2001
i need to get a grip.
i think i need to take a break from this. lately i've been living in the virtual world i've created for myself. living there. and i suppose that's all well and good if it makes me feel better, but it makes reality much more painful to return to. so, until such a time as things are under control again, i won't be back. i will miss this though. We're here and now, but will we ever be again?
i woke up this morning with "Do You Hear the People Sing?" stuck in my head. it seemed like the tomorrow that they dream of in that song. a world seemed to be starting, bright and fresh and new. so i resolved that today would be the day that i would patch things up, or at least start to. i had considered skipping CWC, but that would have been pointless. running away from conflict has never helped me before. besides, it's not like me to avoid things.
so, i'm here. and i spoke to her, briefly. i wish i knew what was going on in her head. but whether she decides she wants to talk to me or not, i'll feel better knowing i've done my part. if i let a friendship die without doing anything to try to save it, how could i ever forgive myself? ApL is right, i get too angry at myself. Kate is right, there's no reason to freak out this much over this. i know i tend to extremes. where's that point of balance that i found just a couple weeks ago? there must be a way to find that again. Do you hear the people sing? Monday, May 14, 2001
so much for calm. too despondent to sleep, too cowardly to do anything about the situation, care too much to just let it go.
sometimes i think i'm just a big old nerve ending, capable of nothing but feeling, and too sensitive to feel anything but pain. and why is it that everyone (including my logical side) is sure that i'm overreacting? and why do i feel so strongly that i'm not? experience has shown too many times that words change things forever, and there are scars that don't go away. sometimes wounds just cannot heal... no, no caffeine this time.
i think i am finally calm. *knocks on wood*
thank goodness for sleep. thank goodness for music (Les Miserables, particularly). thank goodness for web design as a form of distraction. thank goodness for phone calls from people who care about me. thank goodness for AIM and Blogvoices. in other words, thank goodness for all the ways i know of to create a safe, happy virtual world for myself when the real world is going to hell. i've been singing "On My Own" all day today. not because of the unrequited love theme, mind you, but for the loneliness theme. and there was one line i kept singing wrong. it's supposed to be "The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers" but for some reason i kept singing "The streets are bare and everywhere the trees are full of strangers." it made me smile, a rare occasion these past few days. you know, those stranger-filled trees. creepy. i'm going to sleep now, because the grandparents are watching what sounds like a really stupid comedy, and it's going to get on my nerves very shortly. and me staying up typing is going to get on their nerves if they decide to go to sleep. i miss my quiet nights. this house is not equipped for eight people. especially when one is as solitary as i am. And now I'm all alone again, nowhere to turn, no one to go to.
and now, the redesign is actually functional. and there was much rejoicing.
things are going to be kinda screwed up around here for a while. i've fixed most of the links and things, i think, but if i'm wrong, please tell me. (blogvoices, email, etc.) don't tell me about the problems with the archives. trust me, i know. it will be fixed. someday. other than that, if it looks really funky on anyone's computer, tell me that also. i'm still working on a no-frames version. yeah. and once all of that is done, i might actually add some new content. *gasp* now, excuse me, i think i'm going to scream. things are a bit crazy around here...  |