Saturday, September 15, 2001

Fencing fencing fencing. If going up and down hills and stairs all the time doesn't keep my knees in shape, this certainly will. Currently my left leg and arm are killing me and I'm not sure my kneecap is in the right place. But who cares? I got to hold a sword today. Muahahahaha! When we were doing the Glove Drill, Dan asked why my hands were blue. It's a long story.

But anyway, fencing is more complicated than it looks. Random pieces of vocabulary that I probably can't even spell properly are floating around in my head and dribbling out my ear. Attack, parry, repost, and what was the other one? Like a gangly foal, I can't seem to muster all my coordination to move my legs and my arms correctly at the same time. I know there's strategy involved, but it's completely beyond my grasp right now. I'm lucky if I can do a four-count attack properly when it's my turn, even when I'm really concentrating.

It's so much fun though. The problem is that I enjoy it so much that I don't feel like hurting people. Where is pent-up rage when I need it? Finally, I have a situation where it's acceptable to beat people up... =)

I wonder if someday the sound of foils clashing will have the same effect on me as the sound of a band tuning up.
spake the Amanda Hope at 4:55 PM (linkme)
spake the voices

"Our responsibility to history is already clear: to answer these attacks and rid the world of evil." As The Globe says, he intends "to wage a war on terrorism that advisers say could take several years and involve far more than the perpetrators of this week's attacks." Ugh. It reeks of Communist witch-hunts, if you ask me. And there he goes with that "evil" crap again. *mutter*

I wish, I wish, I wish I could fly a flag out my window like so many people have been and feel confident in this country and join together with everyone else. I don't know why I can't. I love this country. It's given me so much. I'm not so delusional or ungrateful as to think that I'd enjoy half the privileges I have here anywhere else.

But I just don't feel very "yay America" these days, no matter how hard I try.

Love is hate
War is peace
No is yes
And we're all free...
~Tracy Chapman, "Why?"
spake the Amanda Hope at 12:24 AM (linkme)
spake the voices

Friday, September 14, 2001

My right hand is now mostly purple. Incidentally, this has to do with the packing peanuts. More later.

muahahahaha...
spake the Amanda Hope at 8:47 PM (linkme)
spake the voices

My emotions have a tendency to get the better of me at times, and that led me to be quite tempramental as a child (well, now too, but that's not the point.) What always infuriated me was when it was pointed out that I had no good reason to be upset, or when I was asked to explain exactly what was wrong, or if I felt I had been wronged what gave me that impression. Most of the time I didn't know. Whether there was no reason, or I just couldn't articulate it, I can't say, but it was always degrading when I was made to feel that the fact that I was upset was unimportant unless I had a well-thought-out reason behind it.

In later years, I learned more often to keep what I was feeling inside, as opposed to expressing anger or frustration or sadness. It saved the effort of explaining why, because often I couldn't figure out why I was feeling what I was feeling, or if I could I knew that I was upset for all the wrong reasons, and would rather not admit it. But during those years I also developed a firm belief that no emotion is invalid, whether or not it makes sense. I don't like to deny what I'm feeling. It's a lot like pretending to be someone I'm not. Emotion is a separate entity from reason, and I don't see how they could possibly be expected to follow the same rules. So I spent a lot of time telling myself that whatever I was feeling was okay, whether it be anger, resentment, jealousy, apathy, sadness, happiness, smugness, the works.

After a while I started to be able to express it again. Granted, it was in the middle of a string of disclaimers something like, "I don't know why I feel this way, and maybe it's not fair for me to feel this way, but I do." But being able to say how I was feeling and not be criticized by myself, at least, was quite a relief. It was around the same time as I was giving up a lot of the "trying to fit in" crap, and it started to seem just as silly to try to make my emotions fit a social standard as it was to wear the same clothes as everyone else or like the same type of music or think the same guys were good-looking.

Somehow this rant seemed appropriate at a time when everyone's emotions are doing strange things and various people are concerned about feeling too much or not enough, and I hate to see that because everyone has a right to feel exactly the way they do feel, I think.
spake the Amanda Hope at 1:53 PM (linkme)
spake the voices

Rachel and Beth just came in to show me a huge dragonfly that they had caught. For some reason that and everything else is making me wistful right now. Like ApL said, for how much longer?
spake the Amanda Hope at 12:25 AM (linkme)
spake the voices

Thursday, September 13, 2001

There was a candlelight vigil last night, and I'm sad that I missed it. With all the things I don't believe in, it's odd that one of the things I do believe in is the power of large groups of people with candles. For some reason it's one of the most unifying things I can think of. Especially after reading what Marty had to say about it, I really wish I had been here.

I keep shifting between two moods these days. The first, when I am dealing with people, is frustration and anger, like in this post. The other mood happens when I'm alone, such as when I was walking back from the Coop after marching band this evening. I feel the cool rain and look at the trees and the sky and the stone buildings and think about how good my life has been, how well-off I am, how I'm getting a good college education and could potentially go into whatever career I choose. How I've never lived with fear and how my country has been such a solid rock around me that I've never had to think about it much. I don't like all the things this country has done, but I love living here and I love my way of life and I don't want it to change.

Marching band rehearsal was the only time for the past few days that this wasn't in the back of my mind. That's one of the things I love about marching band-- somehow it allows me to put everything else aside, if only for a few hours, and think about nothing but the music and the drill and my friends and lying on the grass staring at the sky and beeping people's noses. Liz and I had almost reached the Coop before I remembered again what was happening to this country.

Sing with me, sing for the years
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tears
Sing with me, just for today
Maybe tomorrow the good lord will take you away...
spake the Amanda Hope at 10:35 PM (linkme)
spake the voices

oooooooh, pink packing peanuts. the things we could do with these... *starts scheming*
spake the Amanda Hope at 6:04 PM (linkme)
spake the voices

I look at the post I wrote the other day, and I see all the things that I pretend to know something about, and all the arguments I try to make, and then I don't trust myself with the words. I mean everything I said there, and yet somehow it doesn't seem like what I wanted to say. I wrote it after coming back from my seminar, where people were being all self-righteous, as if the only people that matter are Americans, and I was frustrated and angry. That doesn't make anything I said less true or real. But I'm almost scared of my own words, knowing that they come from someone who cares more about humanity than politics; afraid that I don't know what I'm talking about, but also knowing somehow that it doesn't take an expert to understand that people have died because of us and will die because of us and how can that be right? Ever?

So basically, the problem is not who's right and who's wrong because there's no answer to that at this point except that we're both wrong. The problem is that we keep killing each other and I wish it would STOP!

I hate the way I can see problems with perfect clarity but I never have an answer to any of them. It's like when we used to play family games of Othello and my father and I would be on the same team. Whenever it was our turn I could always point out every place where our strategy was weak and every move that Mom and Krista could make that could potentially destroy us. But I could never figure out what to do about any of them. I spotted problems, and Dad found solutions to them. I think often problems blind me to the answer.

But in this case, what answer is there? I can see the sequence of events in my head, I can see how it happened and how it will continue, but I don't see any way out of this endless cycle of self-righteous killing and desperate terrorism. Or rather, I can see the answer, but I know it won't happen thanks to politics and pride. It's amazing how the system can distance us from simple things like respect for life and humanity. I guess I really am an idealist, and that's why I'll never understand the world as it is.
spake the Amanda Hope at 4:20 PM (linkme)
spake the voices

Sometimes I reveal too much of myself without noticing it. Sometimes I stay up too late when I'm tired and I don't notice that either.
spake the Amanda Hope at 12:54 AM (linkme)
spake the voices

Wednesday, September 12, 2001

I gave blood today. This is the first time I've weighed enough to be able to do it, and it seems right somehow to be able to donate for the first time now. Here's how it went.

I gave:
Eight hours of my time
One pint of blood

I received:
Juice, water, cookies
A pin
A sticker

I spent my time:
Talking to/being harassed by Dave
Standing in line
Filling out forms
Sitting in line
Snacking
Making numerous origami cranes
Resorting to talking to random people in my vicinity
Bitching about not bringing the Iliad with me
spake the Amanda Hope at 10:39 PM (linkme)
spake the voices

Talking to people about this keeps making me angry. There just aren't a lot of people who seem able to talk sense about the situation. There's an American arrogance which gets more and more painful to listen to each time I hear it, and an inability to think seriously about the consequences of our actions which will lead to our downfall.

People keep jumping to conclusions about who did this, first of all. We don't know anything yet. We make all these assumptions so quickly, because we feel that we need to take action quickly, and I'm worried that for a lot of people it doesn't matter whether we're attacking the right people or not, as long as someone pays for this. As long as we're looking for the terrorists, we might as well just attack whatever country we think they're in, and do we really think that we're only going to punish the people responsible? They killed our civilians, we'll kill their civilians. But because ours died first does that make theirs any less innocent?

Bush's speech last night made me sick for a lot of reasons. There was this whole "attack on our way of life" and "beacon of light" thing. We were attacked because we are a beacon of light and hope and freedom for the world? I know that the situation somehow requires him to say something like that, but who are we kidding? He makes it seem like the terrorists have something against hope and freedom. Which brings me to my next point: his constant use of the word evil. Evil is something beyond bad or wrong, and it seems to me more like a fairy tale concept than one that appears regularly in real life. Stenny made a pretty good distinction here and here about the evil thing, so I won't rehash it too much. At any rate, defining someone as evil places a black hat on his/her head, suggesting that they are motivated only by a desire to do wrong. Are we so narrow-minded as to think that our point of view is the only right one? Whoever did this did not say "Ooooh, a beacon of light and freedom and hope. I hate light and freedom and hope, so I think I'll attack it." Please. It's not as if everything this country has ever done has been in the name of freedom and hope. On the contrary, ask anyone in the Middle East what they think of us, and you're bound to get an unfavorable response, because what we represent to them is not light and freedom and hope but death and oppression and the destruction of their way of life. If someone from that area is responsible for this, I can only say: they were not the first to kill civilians.

This whole "cowardly" thing is bothering me too. If I had any drawing skills, I could probably make a decent political cartoon about that one. We have probably the strongest army and national defense in the world. Could a small terrorist group, probably coming from a small country which we probably at one point laid ruin, possibly be expected to come face to face with us in a direct fight? Not if they wanted to actually accomplish something. They just used the best means available to them.

I don't know what is going to happen next, but I just don't think it is going to end well. I've accepted that we have to respond to this somehow, but I feel sure that the government is going to act rashly. So many people in the country are so angry, and so filled with this lust for revenge, that it's just politically expedient to act quickly. The American people aren't going to be too happy with slow and deliberate, and there's reelections to think about. And for some reason innocent people in other countries are worth less than reelection prospects. Oh yes, that's right, it's because they're evil. I remember now. I know I'm being cynical about this, but I can't help it. Sometimes I feel like I'm rooting for the wrong side, but just because I love this country doesn't mean that I agree with every decision we've ever made. People may say that I would feel differently if I actually knew anyone who had been killed, but I'm not so sure. My reaction to this has been more like a reaction to a natural disaster, a hurricane or tornado or flood, because if we treat other countries the way we have been for so many years, what can we expect?
spake the Amanda Hope at 11:15 AM (linkme)
spake the voices

Tuesday, September 11, 2001

I am in my room dancing to the Requiem for a Dream soundtrack, because no one else is here, and the music is right, and because there's nothing else to do.

I listened to Requiem earlier on my headphones with the news on the TV still in the background, and was struck by the horror of it once again. After they had shown the towers collapsing over and over and over again, it was starting to seem like a bad movie or something. When the shock disappeared, I still felt mildly concerned about the state of the world, but nothing else. I hate it when I should be feeling something but I'm not. Occasionally I'm not entirely convinced that I'm not heartless. In my mind there's nothing worse than being desensitized, so I fight it. With music, in this case. If I beat myself over the head with it for long enough, maybe it will make an impression.

What I'm afraid of most right now is that it's not the events of today that will make the impression in my mind and in my life, so much as the events that follow.

There will probably be more to come on this topic, but I can't quite organize my thoughts yet.
spake the Amanda Hope at 7:13 PM (linkme)
spake the voices

Someone just told me to turn on the news. I'm only just trying to get a grip on what's just happened. Two words: THE HELL????? My country, dammit!

I hate being at moments like this where history is hanging in the balance and I know that so much about everything could change from this moment on, but I don't know what or how.
spake the Amanda Hope at 10:20 AM (linkme)
spake the voices

Monday, September 10, 2001

It sort of scares me what a little sleep deprivation does to my moods. I really feel downright depressed for the first time in a long time. I really just need to crash for a while. I can live and live and live and forget about everything else and experience everything around me but a time just comes when my senses can't take any more and they shut down from the outside world and leave me self-immersed and antisocial. Like what happened around midday today. I just need to crash and get myself back.

I need something to fly over my grave again...
spake the Amanda Hope at 10:42 PM (linkme)
spake the voices

I'm in the process of moving to people.colgate.edu. Just to give you a heads-up in case things are a bit screwy around here for a while. At any rate, I just went through my Writings directory, and I realized exactly how much stuff I've posted here which is plain shit. Or at least, that's what I think now. That's half the problem with my writing-- I'll like it at a certain point in my life, and then grow to hate it. Even Superficial, which was a fond pet for a while since it won an award, doesn't seem any good to me anymore. Why did people think that was good? I'm almost offended, pissed off that anyone would support my literary delusions by expressing approval for such crap. I'm perverse, I know. :-p So, there are now a lot of broken links on my writings page because I just did a spastic deletion of over half of my writing. (No, I do have hard copy somewhere. It's not gone for good. I just don't want it here anymore.)

Although this page was originally created as an outlet for my writing, it's veered far away from that since that time a few years ago. Now writings is probably the least updated of my pages. I'm not quite sure why that's happened, but I don't see any reason that that should change anytime soon. So, don't expect too much there anymore. Writing poetry just hasn't been as much of an emotional need for me lately. I think it's just becoming less and less often that I have nothing but myself and a piece of paper.
spake the Amanda Hope at 4:30 PM (linkme)
spake the voices

Happysad? No. Happylonging. After all, this moment isn't mine to keep forever. Nor the next one, nor the one after that. I've only been here three weeks, and I already feel as if Time is up to something, sneaking around behind my back and contriving to take all this away from me. So I'm happy, but grasping at something too slippery to keep. I want it all.
spake the Amanda Hope at 3:38 PM (linkme)
spake the voices

Kate-o makes a mean latte, I must say. (Have I mentioned that all my friends named Kate have been my suppliers of caffeine as well? My life is full of bizarre coincidences involving Kates lately.) And the Iliad is so much more interesting when my eyes aren't drooping closed with each passing word. And I am convinced that the best place to study is not my room, hot and humid, nor the library, cool and comfortable, but the Class of '42 bench in front of Persson Hall, at night, with a light breeze blowing just enough to keep the air from clinging, and a path-light shining over my shoulder, and the smell of night air, with no one else around. I like people lately, and I love all the people I've been hanging around with, but I also love Amanda-time, and being alone, and appreciating my surroundings, and sitting reading a book undisturbed, like I used to be able to back when I could tune everything out, even if it means I have to wander campus after the sane people are long since asleep, and write blog entries with lots of commas during my brief breaks. I love it here, did I mention that?
spake the Amanda Hope at 3:05 AM (linkme)
spake the voices

I am apparently an epidemic. Or, as I would prefer to call it, a cult. As we knew, I have an alleged twin. And we found out last week that Kate-o is my clone. But now I apparently have a doppleganger as well. Now, two of the three cases of the epidemic have been identified by Dave, so naturally they could be completely incorrect. But, assuming he's correct, within a few months the entire campus could be me. Muahahahaha!!!

Either way, we got the doppleganger to come up here on the pretense of loaning us a cd, and then me and Maggie and our cult made him stay for The Emperor's New Groove. Such fun. He was amused, though he tries not to show it. And he admits that it is much better than most Disney movies due to the lack of a lame love story. I tell you, he's becoming more like me every minute. At any rate, we had ten people crammed into our little room, which was quite interesting. It was most enjoyable, though.

After the movie everyone left but we held Stenny hostage for a while longer. We IMed Marty to see if we could get a ransom, but no luck. Marty only had seven dollars, and when he tried to take up a collection at Cushman he only came up with a screw and a peanut. He was advised to take the "triple that's a single. woo hoo!" as he said, in the First Recorded Mean Thing Said By Marty.

In the absence of money, we figured menial tasks would earn Stenny his freedom. So, I thought it would be a good time to rehang the tapestry in the stairwell, which was falling because one of the adhesive hooks fell off due to humidity. He claimed that he was no good at climbing, but I figured he could give me a boost up to the top of the wall. (Yes, applying the hooks involves climbing onto the top of the wall of the stairwell, where there's a small ledge.) I was actually able to climb up myself, using the railing, the doorknob, the room number, and the top of the doorframe as steps. But when I got there my adhesive was covered with dust, so Stenny had to get some more and loan me his box cutter to cut it. And after the mission was accomplished, it was handy to have a spotter to help find the footholds on the way down. So he earned his freedom.

And now my pajamas are covered with dust, so I should change them, go downstairs and get some coffee from Kate-o, and then read the Iliad. Read read read. (What's sleep?)
spake the Amanda Hope at 12:13 AM (linkme)
spake the voices

Sunday, September 09, 2001

This evening I went to a housewarming party for one of my professors and hung out with classics people all evening. We decided that we should make bracelets saying W.W.Z.D. (What Would Zeus Do?) on them. It sort of continues in my tradition of knowing more about Greek mythology than Biblical stuff, since it seems fairly obvious to me what Zeus would do in pretty much any given situation (change form and sleep with someone/something.) I honestly have no idea what Jesus would do in any given situation (much less whether it's the sort of thing I should do as well), but I imagine that's the case with a lot of people, since Jesus is a bit more of a complicated character than Zeus. Zeus throws lightning and procreates a lot. Jesus...well, we shall find out about him when we get to the Bible in Western Traditions, now won't we?
spake the Amanda Hope at 2:05 AM (linkme)
spake the voices