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Is this the real life? Yuccacentric
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Fish Gone Bad
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Blue Like That
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Reality Sandwiches
Friday, October 05, 2001
To Princeton. Home of the infamous kiosk. And there was much rejoicing. Woot!Be back tomorrow night.
spake the voices
Thursday, October 04, 2001
My blog has apparently been twinned with April-Lyn's, by the Blog Twinning Project. I don't know whether that's accurate or not. I've never been able to stand back and look at my blog enough to figure out what it's about, or what it's similar to. Dave and Stenny were twinned as well. I wonder who's voting...
spake the voices
Wednesday, October 03, 2001
mad at myself. which seems to be a regular thing these days.i'd elaborate, but there doesn't seem to be much point.
spake the voices
Tuesday, October 02, 2001
When I was at home, Run Lola Run was my cruising music. Back and forth from my riding lesson, I always listened to either that or Footloose or Bruce Hornsby. Energetic music, that made driving those same roads every week seem fun. I wish I was a heartbeat that never comes to rest...When I got here, I used it for working music. Staying-awake music. It kept me going late at night, the beat more prominent than the words, powerful. Later I found out that it was excellent music to wake up to. Energetic, got me moving in the morning. It didn't irritate me the way some songs do first thing in the morning, and it didn't let me go back to sleep. Starting quiet, getting louder. Bringing me to consciousness, a positive boost.
Then I kept listening to it. Working music, homework music. Stressing music. Music to force me to get things done. Intense. Pounding in my ears through all the frustrations of Greek and trying to read while my eyes were drifting shut. Eventually, punishment music. Music played too loud in my headphones to make me focus, so I wouldn't hear anything else in the room. Music to remind me how much I had left to do. Music to remind me the pace that I ought to be working at. Music to remind me how much I suck. Hitting me over the head with my own incompetence.
I don't want to listen to Run Lola Run anymore. I hate it when I unintentionally ruin good music through bad associations. Maybe if I leave it alone for a while I'll like it again someday.
spake the voices
I just went to dinner with my fsem professor and several people from my class. We were discussing topics for our papers. I was the second person to talk about my topic, but I stuck around afterwards to hear what other people had to say, because the conversation was interesting. Then the girl next to me started talking. She had a vague idea of a topic but no clear thesis or direction. And she was stressed. When we started asking questions and giving suggestions, she only got more frantic and frustrated. "What do you want me to do? Where do you want me to go with this?" Even as part of me was thinking impatiently, that's for you to figure out, another part of me recognized the tone of her voice all too well. I got up and excused myself, as if the anxiety could be contagious. These days everyone I see is a mirror of myself.
spake the voices
Lately I've been having trouble blaming things on people. I started to notice it following the events of September 11. I couldn't point my finger indignantly at the Middle East the way a lot of people did, even when enough evidence showed up to make it justifiable. I could see their side as easily as I could see our side, and I could trace blame back and back and back to who started what when and came up with a beginning that was as irrelevant as blame itself. Finding out whose fault it was didn't seem to matter all that much when it wouldn't change what was done. That sounds irrational, after all preventing future attacks is important, but what I mean is this: Buildings and lives aren't going to reconstruct themselves if we bomb some scapegoat over the seas.It seems like I've been living my entire life with that philosophy recently. Granted, I still blame myself for things; I hold myself responsible for everything and then some when it comes right down to it. But other people-- in any given situation I have trouble making judgements about who caused what. I can't say that the actions of any one person caused a certain thing to happen. I just can't simplify it that much anymore. And when I try to it makes my head spin. I think about everything too hard, and from too many points of view at once.
I've started to be content with the fact that some things are no one's fault; some things happen and we can't know whether doing something differently would have changed the outcome; some things are just beyond us all.
spake the voices
mint tea makes a cold feel so much better. and medicine procured from a roommate. it's amazing how much less fuzzy my head feels now. ahhh.other than that, things are confusing. my mind is going in circles again, about everything. because everyone is the same when it comes right down to it, and we could all so easily be each other. and we would all be experiencing the same things, only under different names and guises. and i don't know where i stand in it all. if i were someone else would i like what i was doing? what advice would i give me? would i see what was going to happen to me as clearly as i can see the courses of fate laying themselves out right now?
i'm not making sense. what else is new. :-p
spake the voices
Monday, October 01, 2001
yay for poetry. every now and then it gets some appreciation. woo.now if only i could manage to write some decent stuff. damn. (not that i really have time anyway. *sigh*)
spake the voices
I found out today that I got an A- on my Women's Studies paper. On the one hand, I am quite happy about this. On the other hand, this might be a very bad thing. You see, this is the paper that I was writing at three in the morning after two cups of coffee which entirely failed to keep me awake. The problem is that I ought to not do that regularly. But unfortunately, since it often appears that I only learn from pain, I am fairly confident that my work ethic and time management skills won't improve until something very bad happens. Part of me was hoping I'd fail something early in the semester so I'd get a grip and start to do things properly.Oh well. Only I could find a way to complain about a good grade. Sheesh. At any rate, I have another paper due at the end of the week, so hopefully I can do as well on that. And maybe I'll get it done more than ten minutes before class this time. Woo.
spake the voices
I like this. Because I'm an idealist. And because music is important.
spake the voices
Some minor details from the move to people.colgate.edu: The Spoken, Dragon, and Escape pages have been updated. Nothing huge has changed on any of them, except that Spoken is now laid out so that newer quotes are near the top. Other than that it's just little things here and there. Wordcraft has been, shall we say, streamlined. I threw out a lot of what was there. Basically, I kept whatever didn't make me cringe to read it. It looks like more stuff might come down before anything new is added. If you had a particular favorite for some reason, and I took it down, go ahead and ask me about it. I'll either give you a good reason that it's no longer there (for instance, "It made me cringe,") or if I feel fairly neutral about it I may put it back up. Exciting, no? Gathered has not been updated. It is now officially the ugliest page on this site. I may or may not do something about that at some point. And yes, I finally put up a link to the archives page, enigmatically named Timetravel. It is no longer officially the ugliest page on this site. And conveniently enough, Blogger allowed me to republish all my archives for the first time in ages just as I was making this move. So now if you're really bored you can delve into my history since February. Woo.And there was much apathy. Eh.
spake the voices
Sunday, September 30, 2001
Ick. I have cursed at and kicked no less than three dryers today (hey laundry room, I talked to your mom last night...) and I feel very tired and I'm getting a cold and I really can't play oboe anymore and the music from Company sucks and I missed the AMS brunch out of sheer absentmindedness and what happened to that beautiful fall day that I was going to spend reading outside? Now I only feel like curling up under a blanket and sleeping for a very long time. But I can't because I have a lot of work to do and between the work and not feeling well (mostly not feeling well, because work hasn't really stopped me before) I don't think I'm going to fencing tonight even though I know it's really going to hurt after two weeks off. It's bad enough I only get to go to one practice a week. But I think with the right music I might be able to muster the energy to get this reading done and try to make a start on one of these papers before I fall asleep. Sometimes the music is all that keeps me going. That, and pep talks from friends who know me and my moods almost better than I know them myself and understand what I mean without me having to explain it. It's hard to be by yourself...no matter how self-reliant...people need other people to look out for them. Truest words I've heard in a long time.The right music. Hm. The music from Company is definitely not the right music.
spake the voices
Yesterday feels like two days, and it can best be divided into before dark and after dark. Before dark was the Cornell game, and it was fun and we did a good field show and actually got to perform the pregame show this time and we tailgated and ate the brownies at the Cushman tailgate that we'd made the night before. And we got to cheer 'gate to victory and taunt Cornell until my voice was very nearly gone and I got terribly sunburned but it was a beautiful day and a fun game. Except for the fact that while the Cornell band was doing halftime one of our football players kicked a football into their formation and hit one of them. Pretty foul. Sort of puts a damper on things when people can't manage to act with a little class. But it was a fun day anyway.Then, after dark. I went to Cabaret, which wasn't too bad for the most part. Of the songs I knew (of which there were several) there were only a couple that I was really unhappy with, and a couple that I was very impressed with. After that I ran down the hill for the Mary Timony concert. The opening band, Victory at Sea, was pretty good. Loud. Quite loud. And Timony played some good music, but she only played for 45 minutes, and didn't sell any cd's. Now, how can you come to a college campus without any cd's to sell? I'm not about to condemn her for lack of a stage presence (hell, I know what that feels like) but I do sort of wish she'd acknowledged her audience a bit more. So that concert was a bit of a letdown after all the anticipation. And I didn't even get a cd out of it. Poo on a stick.
We went to the Barge for a while after that (we being me, Dave, April-Lyn, and Stenny) and just chatted. And when it seemed expedient to leave, we went back to Cushman and sat up in the TV room for a while. It was a strange evening, and I ended up spending the night curled up in a chair in the TV room with a stuffed catfish hoping that everything would be all right. But even though I was worried there is something that feels very safe about Cushman house. Perhaps it's being with so many friends that I trust and people who take care of each other and things. I can't explain it properly. But it turned out all right, I was told, unless that was a dream, but it couldn't have been because the blanket was over me when I woke up. And somehow it all turned into a beautiful fall day, somehow more beautiful because I wasn't wearing my glasses or contacts when I left Cushman around 9:30 and everything was blurry and the colors of the trees blended together with the buildings and the sky and the grass.
I feel like I should have something more to say about all this, but if I do it probably won't be said here. I sort of feel as if I've said this all wrong anyway, so I'll just stop now.
spake the voices