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Saturday, December 01, 2001
After the matinee performance of Company, I left my instruments in the Green Room of Dana until the evening performance. Since I wasn't carrying anything, I decided to run back up the hill to my dorm. I almost laughed realizing how silly I must have looked running around in a long black dress and clunky shoes. But it was fun just because I could. My shoes are about the most painless dress shoes I've ever had, the dress is slit halfway up the side so it doesn't restrict my leg movement, and I always avoid stockings and slips whenever I can. Dresses aren't so bad if you can avoid the painful and annoying trappings that go with them.And now, for my next trick, I'll be wearing boxers under my dress for the evening performance. Woo.
spake the voices
Friday, November 30, 2001
Also, let it be noted that the revered Minigolf Pencil survived the laundry incident completely intact. Yay Minigolf Pencil.
spake the voices
A terrible tragedy has just occurred. When I went downstairs to get my laundry out of the washer, I saw bits of wet paper on my clothes...and realized that I'd forgotten to take the infamous Quote Notebook out of my pocket before I did the laundry. Its remains are next to me now-- terribly waterlogged, mostly illegible. I'm trying to peel off the pieces of paper so I can write everything down somewhere else.Somehow each little word that I decipher means more now than when I could just pull the notebook out of my pocket and flip it open. There's lots of quotes, of course: "The Southern Hemisphere makes me hungry," "Ooooorville! Oooooorville!" "Splork splork splork-- the sound spaghetti makes when it comes out of the spout of a vending machine," "It's the little Zen monk of cats! He's attained kitty nirvana!" But I recorded other things there too. At one point I wrote out the lyrics to a verse of "Band on Every Corner" by The Whitlams, in pencil, cursive. Scribbled among things from the Minnesota trip is "Megageology w/ Karen Harpp," which is a class that Dave keeps pestering me to take. There's "id-dunya......innaharda", an Arabic phrase mostly lost, from when we were at the Mall of America in a bookstore and Stenny and I amused ourselves with the foreign books. It means "It is very cold today." A couple lines from a Paul Simon song that I listened to over break in the car on the way back from my grandparents' house: "Sometimes, even music cannot substitute for tears." Diary-like things too, although the really long ones seem to have completely disintegrated. But I found a fragment of my thoughts from this night, and some sort of anxious rambling about being insecure hanging around with so many uppclassmen, or somesuch. And a comment on the party we went to at Princeton, when I was feeling rather antisocial: "A too-hot room, bad music, smell of beer...but at least I have this corner and a couple friends. There's even Kevin's made-up word from a football game earlier this season, syllablizability, referring to the cheerleaders' tendency to try to make "maroon" into one syllable.
But now all I have is eight page fragments, the front and back cover, and the wire spiral that was barely holding it together even before the washing machine incident. Little notebook, rest in peace. :-/
spake the voices
Thursday, November 29, 2001
Yeah, I haven't been posting much. Why? Company rehearsals every night, and now tonight is opening night. Right before break when we started having rehearsals with the cast I remembered why I always sign up for pit orchestras. There's a kind of rush you get when things start to come together and suddenly everything makes sense and the chords no longer sound scary because the piano's there and you can see the actors on the stage and it's all just amazing. I've been whining about the musical a lot this semester, because I couldn't stand the music and the rehearsals with just pit weren't very rewarding for me. But now it's all worth it. And I've actually come to like several of the songs in Company. I'm not sure whether I should be ashamed of this. When I first heard the music I despised it, and couldn't even bring myself to listen to the cd to figure out my part. Now I'm tempted to put it in my stereo whenever I get home from rehearsal. You're always sorry, you're always grateful...I've also rediscovered Les Miserables. I haven't really listened to that soundtrack since this summer, and a little bit early in the semester. By that time it was all so familiar to me that I could play it in the background and it wasn't distracting, unlike when I first got it and I tried to listen to it while writing a term paper and got so caught up in it that I couldn't focus and listened to the soundtrack twice through without getting a thing done on my paper. Earlier this week Les Miz music was getting stuck in my head for no reason, so I took out the soundtrack again, and it distracted me and gave me goosebumps again. Granted, 'distracted' usually doesn't have a positive connotation in the last couple weeks of classes, but I'm relieved that the music regained its power after a short break. I hate it when music becomes so commonplace that it fades into the background.
Now, to do a bit of work before dinner and the show.
spake the voices
Tuesday, November 27, 2001
When I left for break my stereo clock was five minutes faster than my watch which was five minutes faster than my computer clock. When I came back they were all mysteriously synchronized. Odd.
spake the voices
and every time this happens i'm terrified that i don't know what i want or that i only want what i can't have, that i make decisions too rashly and don't really consider the consequences, that i'm a fool and i know i'm going to hurt someone just because things are more fleeting than i ever imagined possible before and i'm precisely the image of everything i've always despised and ridiculed because i can't control myself and my feelings all the time and i would manipulate and control myself to make everything just as i'd imagined if i could. but i can't and so instead i come home as close to tears as i can be when i'm not quite sure how to cry anymore (another thing that i can't force) because i feel like i've betrayed myself and other people too and i'm something i've always promised to never be, just like a few years ago when i hit the other extreme and remembered another promise to myself and forced myself to change but i'm afraid i've gone too far. how do i make myself into what i think i should be and avoid ending up as something i despise? because somehow i've never been able to attain balance, drifting from one extreme to another, because when i'm at one end i never realize that the opposite side is just as bad. when will i learn to walk this tightrope? and i curl up into a little ball and go to sleep, and sometime the next day the glass wall has somehow disappeared and i come back to this world and it's okay again but i'm still uneasy that things can seem so hopeless sometimes and that i can be so completely isolated and insulated from the world and everyone in it and even from my own feelings, and wishing i knew what triggered it and how to make it stop and feeling only grateful that i didn't do anything rash while i was so far away from everything.and suddenly it's all better, except that memory. i wish i understood me.
spake the voices
Monday, November 26, 2001
I think anything could be improved with the addition of claymations. Imagine if instead of Cartoon Network there was a Claymation Network. Imagine if Passions featured claymations. Imagine if you were watching a QuickTime movie and there was a little button you could press that said "Convert to Claymation." Wouldn't the world be a much better place?
spake the voices
Sunday, November 25, 2001
My music is like a compass, and the Whitlams are pointing me home-- home to Colgate.
spake the voices