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Is this the real life? Yuccacentric
Blistered Avalon
Debitage
Fish Gone Bad
Scattered Words
F*cknuts
Donkey Balls
Betrunkene
Is this just fantasy? Book of Days
JessaJune
Blue Like That
Crezappy
Too Much Information
Wockerjabby
Isomorphisms
Squarebook
Reality Sandwiches
Saturday, February 02, 2002
Sometimes I realize that I'm really not much of anything outside of what I imitate and steal from others. Without all these people who would I be?
spake the voices
Did I mention that I hate being wrong more than almost anything else in the world?
spake the voices
Everything seesaws, and sometimes I feel guilty, on the high end looking down.
spake the voices
Friday, February 01, 2002
In a way it seems rather odd, since I don't believe in a god, that when we get in a debate during Modernity over whether it's acceptable to believe in some form of traditional Christian creation myth, I end up taking the side of religion. I believe in evolution, but damn, I can't stand the way those scientific types are so arrogant about evolution. They can't seem to fathom that there are other ways of thinking about things, and that those other ways don't necessarily make people "uneducated" or ignorant. Egads. Is there any reason God couldn't have created a fossil record and evidence for evolution? Is there any reason that God couldn't have guided the process of evolution? Why must people look down on those who have found a way to reconcile their religion with the present state of science? It's been a long time since I've been so close to losing my temper. There are some people in that room that I could have slapped. Thank goodness Jason, Jon, and Hale were there to help me keep my sanity. I don't want to think about how bad it would have gotten if class hadn't ended when it did.
spake the voices
Oooh, a slush-covered campus. Lovely.In other news, this has been quite a week for drastic mood swings recorded by blog. Exciting, no? But I often wonder how apparent my moods are in what I write. Does everyone see the severe ups and downs that went on in this week's writing? Sometimes I think I'm almost too cryptic to get my point across.
spake the voices
Thursday, January 31, 2002
Sometimes when I'm depressed it's not my own music that saves me, but someone else's. Several times last semester I was feeling bleh until I heard U2 being played out someone's window in East, and suddenly I realized that was exactly what I needed to hear, and somehow felt better. And just now, as I went down to the fourth floor to use the bathroom, I heard someone playing "Mr. Jones and Me" really loudly, with several people singing along. Like Katie said, sometimes life seems like a musical, with people spontaneously breaking into song and dance. I like it best when things are like that. It reminds me that there's a rhythm to it all.
spake the voices
Warning: The entire Colgate campus, at present, is covered with a sheet of ice. Walking to dinner was fun.At times like this I wish I were a penguin, and I could dive onto my belly and slide on the ice-covered snow over the curve of the hill. Whee!
spake the voices
The smell of Cushman was in my nose for just a second. I don't know why. Smells are weird things.
spake the voices
I always like to think I've come so far. But is there still someone I'm pretending to be? And will the illusion fool everyone until we all fall?
spake the voices
Weak, Amanda. You are weak weak weak. *thwack* Get a grip. Eesh.
spake the voices
Wednesday, January 30, 2002
F^%&!!! What do I have to do to get voice lessons around here? Whore myself? *fumes*
spake the voices
I have to learn to keep a blank expression on my face while daydreaming. Because when I'm daydreaming about something amusing, I'll start smiling broadly, and then my Modernity professor will look at me and ask if I have something to say, and I won't be able to pick up the thread of what we were talking about, and all I'll be able to come up with is, "Creationism is funny." Which it is. But that's not the point.Must...keep...serious...expression...at...all...times. Must...not...tune...out. Sleepy...so...sleepy...
spake the voices
And my music is back too, thank goodness. For the first week of the semester I sat here in silence, and couldn't find any music I wanted to listen to. But now it's back.I'm starting to pick things out of songs in ways I never could before. Maybe a year ago, I started hearing percussion. It would somehow separate itself from the music so I could focus on it. And since last summer the same thing has been happening with piano. I love being able to hear the whole song and at the same time being able to hear each little thing that makes it up. It's a new kind of awareness, a new dimension to my senses.
spake the voices
Tuesday, January 29, 2002
Wow. This is going to be interesting.
spake the voices
I never tire of looking at the chapel dome at night, lit up against the sky. Sometimes with a full moon, the sky never gets quite dark, and the gold is stunning against a dark blue field. Or sometimes the sky will turn such a deep black that the dome seems embedded in it and can't seem to separate itself into a finite three-dimensional object, instead being somehow sucked into the very depth of the sky. Or sometimes, like tonight, the air thick and greyish with fog, the dome seems terribly amorphous and distant though I go right past the chapel as I walk from Lawrence back to my dorm.When I was at home, I missed looking out the window before I went to bed and seeing the chapel dome. I still do that as I climb into my bunk every night, leaving the curtains open so that the light will come in and tell me when it's morning.
spake the voices
It's weird the way Bush can speak peace while perpetuating war, just as magazines can pay lip service to feminism while encouraging a dangerous beauty standard. Words never did align with actions, but it still bothers me.I contradict. Evil is not real. Evil is all in your head.
This is what I get for trying to blog with the State of the Union on in the background...
spake the voices
Monday, January 28, 2002
and it makes some things better and it makes some things worse and i'm more prone to moods and i'm more prone to distraction but i feel more and see more and the world's more real and i'm glad that it's back for now i'm awake.
spake the voices
Sunday, January 27, 2002
whereistheoffbutton whereistheoffbutton whereistheoffbutton whereistheoffbutton !?!?
spake the voices
"Airplane" by the Indigo Girls still reminds me of packing for Mexico. I can see my room and my suitcase and feel the excitement as I make a mental check of things I've packed.I think my blogging today is making up for the past week. Eesh. Concentrate on work, Amanda. Really.
Attention span = 0
spake the voices
And every now and then music will strike the right chords, and I'll feel all the forces of fate and time spinning around me, and in my head I'll see a picture of two people grasping each other's hands with each separate strand in the web of forces that is the world tugging at them as they stand in the middle of some great slowmotion vortex in a purplish darkness. And then I'll wish I could paint, because I'll never be able to take a camera to the inside of my head that way even though every now and then it can capture the essence of the entire world in such perfect terms.It's already fading. But it was there.
(My senses are on overload...)
spake the voices
I wish I could go outside barefoot. I'm barefoot right now, and my feet look so happy that I hate to put them in shoes again. But it's not quite that warm, so they'll have to be content with the compromise of shoes but no socks.Happy feet and shiny objects. I'm high on the weather.
Don't worry, it won't last. This is central New York.
spake the voices
Patriots in Super Bowl, doo-dah, doo-dah...*dances*
spake the voices
Sometimes it just seems like everything is coming together, and all the opportunities and possibilities in the world are close enough and tangible enough that I could reach out and touch them.
spake the voices
The weather today is so nice, the air so fresh and springlike, that I could stay outside all day. An hour walk wasn't nearly enough. Air like this gives me energy, but unfortunately not the productive kind of energy. It's more like the oooh-shiny-objects-everywhere-oooh-pretty kind of energy. It makes me more aware of the world around me, in a way that I haven't been since the beginning of last semester, and aware in a way that makes it difficult to focus on books and things. I keep trying, though.I'm so glad this awareness, this energy, is back, because I was thinking just last night how I seem to have lost the ability to really feel and see the world around me, and that's been apparent, I think, in my blogging as well as in the way I live my life in general. Without that energy my life deconstructs itself into lists of things to do and the amount of time it will take to do each thing, patterns and schedules and predictability. But there's something in the air that puts all my nerves on alert and inspires spontaneity.
For the past few days I've gone out on walks in the afternoon. Being outside makes it easier to deal with sitting in front of books all day. And I've opened the window to let the air in, but that only makes it more difficult to focus on my work. I'm so spastic.
Oooh, shiny object...
spake the voices